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Betrayal
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English Poetry, Jul 2011 Contest |
Like a knife sharp,
it pierces your hear;
a lantern in the dark
that burns you in blazes stark.
A friend so close and dear
that your every secret
you trust him with
but he planned for you
a poisonous lancet
Godly being in him you see
and believe he’ll never flee
’cause binds you is a strong
cord of faith and trust.
Silently one day
he steals your trust away
using your secret says
to ruin you to rags…..
In lieu of love
he gifted you betrayal.
The world around suddenly changes
and rainy get the eyes
and sinks the love brimming heart
in the marsh of Betray.
He simultaneously is not at peace
rather roaming here and there
in search of friendship
but what he bestowed he shall meet.
Betrayal return to the doer
and makes him repent,
so don’t be a morose
if betrayal ever you meet!
Hi cathy,
This poem is good. The only thing I’d advise you to do is punctuate it better. I used to write exactly like you do till someone pointed that out to me.
When you’d read your poem, the phrases (also called thought-groups: groups of words related to the same thought) will be obvious, but not to a reader. This also helps your rhythm.
If I might take the liberty, here is what I might suggest you do:
Like a knife sharp,
it pierces your hear; (should this be ear?)
a lantern in the dark,
that burns you in blazes, stark.
A friend, so close and dear,
that your every secret
you trust him with,
but he planned for you
a poisonous lancet!
Godly being, in him you see,
and believe, he’ll never flee;
’cause binds you, is a strong
(there are two verbs here, you could qualify one by saying ’cause what binds you is, a.. or get rid of one verb, ’cause binds you, a strong. Consider rewriting this)
cord of faith and trust.
Silently, one day,
he steals your trust away,
using your secret, says
(the says is a little unclear, do you mean words?)
to ruin you to rags…..
In lieu of love
he gifted you betrayal.
The world around suddenly changes
and rainy get the eyes,
and sinks, the love brimming heart,
(without the comma, the meaning isn’t that clear)
in the marsh of Betray.(since betray is a verb, you’d rather use betrayal or a synonym, since a noun is needed here)
He simultaneously, is not at peace,
rather roaming, here and there,
in search of friendship
but, what he bestowed, he shall meet.
Betrayal return(s) to the doer,
and makes him repent,
so don’t be a morose,
if betrayal ever you meet!
This is just an opinion and friendly advise. Similar things made me a bit better than I was.
Keep up the work!
@saurabh,
advise should have been advice, sorry!
@saurabh,
Saurabh
thanks for your valuable advice and I will surely take care of punctuations next time.
well ‘hear’ in the second line was supposed to be ‘heart’.
‘using your secret says’ says is a reference to words to continue the rhyme…..
Thanks again for your advice…this is actually how we improve ourselves
I will soon update corrected version of this poem.
betrayal returns to the doer,
yes it does,
nice poem Cathy,
keep writing
@Parespeare, Thank you for liking it!
gud read…liked it !!!!
@dhananjay, Thanks!!!
Other than my punctuation complaints,
Like a knife sharp,
it pierces your (h)ear;
a lantern in the dark
that burns you in blazes stark.
Life as a sharp knife is a good depiction of the cruelty that life is at times. A lantern in the dark is such a symbol of hope, which so menacingly betrays you to burn in stark blazes. This is a very original depiction of betrayal. What a thought!
Cathy,
nice enough but as Saurabh says needs some fixing up.
I would suggest you keep to a format of 4 lines per verse and don’t worry about end line rhymes too much. You have some strong imagery and sound repetition,
Fergus